You’re Being Duped, America

How goes it, friends?  It’s been a while since I’ve graced you with my presence, and for that I apologize.  Been busy.  All of the tens of my readers, rejoice.  I’m back.  And you will not be disappointed by this post, because it is in clever list form.  So attention is not something that you have to pay much of.  Just read along and laugh, dammit.

Umbro Shorts

Do you remember when Umbro Shorts were high fashion?  I’m talking whenever I was in like sixth grade (what’s that, 1992ish or so?), and they cost like 20 bucks a pop?  For flimsy soccer shorts?  I had quite a few pairs, and let me tell you they were awesome.  My first favorite were orange with purple trim.

(picture those orange with purple trim.  even the drawstrings were awesome).

Something New, Completely Stolen

I think I’m going to implement a “weekly feature” to this amazing blog.  Too many times do I, your humble author, ramble about nothing or just tell you what’s on my itunes (right now is “A Cautionary Song” by The Decemberists, a right jaunty tune).  Instead of just doing tomfoolery as such (which, I will continue), I think I’m going to try to anchor this juggernaut of a blog with something concrete.  And I totally stole the idea from a book I just read.

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

I like TV.  It has shows that make me happy.  Even as I write this I’m listening to music but have the TV on low in the background.  Gotta have something visual going on.  I don’t think there’s anything weird about that.  But, want to know what I do find weird?

Dude, does your Dyno have pegs?

There’s been this revolution here in Columbia trying to get people active.  Cool.  Health is fun.  I like the civic duty that a campaign like this entails.  But with this new-found greenness of body and mind, comes something that really pisses me off.

I Like Cold Beverages

Apparently, the main character of my next story does not.  Or at least he doesn’t mind warm beverages.  The man in question?  One Jamie Lynn “BAMF” Wachter.  I included the BAMF because Jamie is pretty much the shit 99% of the time.  It’s just this one time he was a complete toolbag who deserves all the ridicule from the telling of this story.  The story you are about to hear is true and hilarious, with possible holes in chronology and details because A) it was a while ago and B) at the beginning of the story I’m also drinking.  Enjoy.

I was walkin down the street, concentrating on truckin’ right…

There are so many things out there that I think I’m missing out on. The whole “the grass is always greener” saying? Truth.

People are People

Let me start by saying this:  I may the the nicest person you’ve ever/never met.  Disagree?  Well then you just don’t GET me, man.  Now, I’m no saint.  I’m selfish.  I’m lazy.  I can say I’ve never had a mullet, but wish I had a DuckTales poster.  But no matter who you are, I’d rather be miserable and have you like me than the opposite.  Why is this? 

We need some help in aisle 10…

So, it’s getting nice outside, and that led to something that is a rite of summer.  Not mowing the grass, or turning on the air, or even loading up on bug spray. 

The weather today is an increasing trend towards denial.

I’m just going to get straight into it.  You know who grinds my gears?  Meteorologists.  I don’t hate them personally, but I find everything they do to be unnecessary and incorrect.  Now, I’m not here to offend anybody, but seriously.  From the outside, let me tell you how I see their job: